Learning to Say No: Reclaiming Your Time, Energy, and Self

Day-by-day: Reparenting yourself with fun, discipline, love and hope.

Introduction

If you were raised in a home where saying no led to guilt, punishment, silence, or shame, it’s no surprise that as an adult, saying no can feel impossible. You may freeze. You may fawn. You may explain yourself endlessly. You might even say yes, and then cancel later in a panic. This is not weakness. It’s a trauma response. And the ability to say no—with clarity, without apology—is a skill you can learn. More than that, it is a radical act of self-respect.

In this article, we’ll explore what makes saying no so difficult, why it matters so much, and how to start building this essential boundary skill, one conversation at a time.

Why We Struggle to Say No

Saying no is often loaded with survival fears: fear of abandonment, rejection, conflict, guilt, or not being good enough. Especially if your caretakers taught you that love was conditional on your compliance, "no" might feel like a threat to your safety.

But saying yes when you want to say no is a form of self-abandonment. And over time, it leads to resentment, burnout, and loss of self-trust. Relearning how to say no is part of reclaiming your agency.

What Saying No Actually Means

Saying no is not about being cold or selfish. It is about being clear.

It means:

• I respect my time and energy.

• I don’t overextend myself to please others.

• I can choose discomfort in the short-term to protect my peace long-term.

• I can love you and say no.

How to Practice Saying No

1. Start Small

Begin with low-stakes situations: declining a survey, saying no to a free sample, pausing before committing to plans. This builds confidence.

2. Use Clear, Simple Language

You don’t need to over-explain. Try phrases like:

• "That doesn’t work for me."

• "I’m not available."

• "Thanks, but I’ll pass."

3. Pause Before Answering

You can say, "Let me get back to you." This gives you space to feel into your real answer instead of reacting from anxiety.

4. Expect Discomfort—and Hold the Line

You may feel guilty at first. That doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. It means you’re doing something new.

5. Use Somatic Grounding

Place a hand on your chest or belly. Take a deep breath. Feel your feet on the floor. Connect to your body. This helps you access calm power when setting boundaries.

6. Role Play With Safe People

Practice saying no out loud with a friend or coach. Hear yourself say it. Notice how your body reacts. Rewire the fear loop.

TED Talks To Check Out...

Below are some Ted Talk videos to learn more about when and how to say NO!

The Art of Saying No: Kenny Nguyen at TEDxLSU | Noted entrepreneur and presentation expert Kenny Nguyen passionately speaks about the power inherent in saying "no." The CEO of Big Fish Presentations, Kenny speaks about how "no" has affected him personally and professionally, but more importantly, how it can prepare one for the perfect time to say yes.

Having the courage to say No | Katherine Mulski | TEDxLangleyED | In her talk, Katherine expresses the beautiful struggle she finds herself in on a daily basis; balancing the worlds of the professional and the personal and all that fits in-between. How do we then, negotiate the personal parts of our lives and leave time for it when it is incredibly hard to say 'no' to the obligations and myriad of commitments that certainly can impact health and overall passion for other interests outside of our professional ones?

How We Say No Matters | Liz Marasco | TEDxBoulder | Scholars in conversation analysis have known for a long time that we try to avoid using the word 'no'. We rely on a number of other linguistic resources to 'say no' in order to save face. So why is this word necessary in one very specific, high-stakes situation? Liz Marasco has Master of Arts in Linguistics from CU Boulder where she specialized in conversation analysis. She believes opportunity and vulnerability exist in every interaction.

Closing Thoughts

Learning how to relate is like learning a new language when you've only ever known silence or survival. It's hard. It's awkward. It's brave. And it starts with noticing your own humanity, then making space for someone else's. You don’t need to perform. You don’t need to be perfect. You just need to show up, pay attention, and be willing to try again.

Relating is not about being liked. It’s about being known. And that is one of the most healing experiences you can have.

References (APA Style)

1. Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992). Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. Zondervan.

2. Neff, K. (2011). Self-compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. William Morrow.

3. Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection. Hazelden Publishing.

4. van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score. Penguin Books.

5. Levine, P. A. (1997). Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma. North Atlantic Books.

6. Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory. W. W. Norton & Company.

7. Rothschild, B. (2000). The Body Remembers. W. W. Norton & Company.

8. Siegel, D. J. (2010). The Mindful Therapist. W. W. Norton & Company.

9. Mate, G. (2022). The Myth of Normal. Avery.

10. Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and Recovery. Basic Books.