Believing That You Deserve Joy: Rewriting the Script of a Traumatized Mind

Khalil
30 aug
3 minuten om te lezen

Day-by-day: Reparenting yourself with fun, discipline, love and hope.

Introduction

If you grew up with emotional neglect, abuse, or chronic stress, joy might feel like something you’re not entitled to. You might even feel guilty for wanting it. Somewhere deep inside, there’s often a voice whispering, “That’s for other people—not you.” But the truth is, joy isn’t earned through perfection or sacrifice. It’s a birthright. And one of the most radical steps in healing is allowing yourself to believe that you deserve it.

Why Trauma Teaches You That Joy is Off-Limits

When you're raised in an environment where joy was rare—or punished—you begin to associate happiness with danger or disconnection. For example:

If you smiled and were ignored, your brain learned joy equals invisibility.
If you played and were scolded, joy became linked to shame.
If you succeeded and it triggered jealousy or punishment, joy felt unsafe.

These experiences wire your nervous system to equate joy with risk. So even as an adult, you might pull away from good things before they can land. That’s not a flaw—it’s a survival strategy your body hasn’t unlearned yet.

How to Start Believing You Deserve Joy

1. Notice Your Internal Dialogue

What do you say to yourself when good things happen? Do you dismiss your wins? Downplay compliments? Tell yourself, “It won’t last”? Start paying attention. These patterns are clues to the beliefs you’ve internalized.

2. Challenge the Scarcity Mentality

Trauma often instills the idea that joy is a limited resource. That if someone else is happy, there’s less for you. But joy doesn’t run out. In fact, the more you allow it, the more capacity you build for it.

3. Collect Evidence That You Can Handle Goodness

Start small. Let yourself enjoy a sunset without rushing to your next task. Savor your favorite song without checking your phone. These are micro-rehearsals for receiving joy. As you build tolerance for pleasure, you rewire the nervous system to feel safe in expansion.

4. Uncouple Joy from Performance

You don’t have to earn joy through achievement, productivity, or pleasing others. Joy isn’t a paycheck. It’s something you’re inherently worthy of, simply because you’re alive. Practice receiving joy even when you “haven’t done anything to deserve it.”

5. Anchor Joy in the Body

Notice what joy feels like physically: warmth in the chest, a lightness in the belly, a softness in the eyes. These sensations remind your body that joy is not foreign. It lives in you—it just got buried.

What Changes When You Believe You Deserve Joy

You stop sabotaging good relationships.
You allow yourself to celebrate milestones instead of downplaying them.
You become more present instead of bracing for loss.
You find yourself laughing more, without guilt or second-guessing.

Joy doesn’t just feel good—it rewires your capacity to connect, to dream, and to feel alive. And believing you deserve it is the soil in which that joy grows.

Closing Thoughts

You are not too damaged for joy. You are not too late. The part of you that wants to laugh, dance, feel light, and be free isn’t naive—it’s wise. It’s the most resilient part of you. The more you make space for joy, the more you reclaim your full humanity.

Joy doesn’t ask if you’re perfect. It only asks if you’re willing.

References

van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score. Penguin Books.
Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. William Morrow.
Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly. Avery.
Porges, S. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory. W. W. Norton & Company.
Siegel, D. J. (2012). The Developing Mind. Guilford Press.
Levine, P. A. (1997). Waking the Tiger. North Atlantic Books.
Mate, G. (2022). The Myth of Normal. Avery.
Rubin, G. (2009). The Happiness Project. Harper.
Fredrickson, B. (2009). Positivity. Crown Publishing.
Hanson, R. (2013). Hardwiring Happiness: The New Brain Science of Contentment, Calm, and Confidence. Harmony.