Understanding the Importance of Boundaries: A Survival Skill for the Reparented Self

Day-by-day: Reparenting yourself with fun, discipline, love and hope.

Introduction

If you grew up in a household where your "no" didn’t matter, your space wasn’t respected, or your needs were met with shame or punishment, then boundaries may feel foreign—or even wrong. For survivors of trauma, dysfunction, neglect, or emotional chaos, the idea of having personal boundaries can seem like a luxury only safe people get to have. But here’s the truth:

Boundaries are not selfish. They are survival.

And if you never learned how to create them, enforce them, or even feel entitled to them, this article is for you.

Understanding boundaries isn’t just about learning to say "no." It’s about reclaiming your right to your own body, your own mind, your own space, and your own life. It’s about restoring your dignity, safety, and sovereignty—one decision at a time.

What Are Boundaries, Really?

Boundaries are the invisible lines that define what belongs to you—your time, energy, emotions, values, body, space, and thoughts. They are how you teach people to treat you. They are also how you teach yourself to treat you.

Boundaries say:

• "This is what I allow."

• "This is what I protect."

• "This is what I walk away from."

They are not walls. They are not punishments. They are not ultimatums. Boundaries are clarity.

Why Boundaries Are So Hard for Trauma Survivors

If you were taught that your worth depended on being needed, liked, invisible, or useful, then boundaries will feel threatening. You may fear:

• Being abandoned

• Being rejected

• Being called selfish or difficult

• Losing the fragile connections you have

These fears are real. But they are not permanent. Boundaries may feel like a risk at first—but they are actually the path to safety.

The Benefits of Healthy Boundaries

1. Safety: You feel safer in your body and relationships.

2. Clarity: You know what is yours and what is not.

3. Agency: You make decisions from choice, not obligation.

4. Energy: You stop pouring into people who drain you.

5. Respect: You teach others to take your needs seriously.

6. Self-worth: You reinforce the message: I matter.

7. Healing: You stop repeating cycles of enmeshment, codependency, and burnout.

Types of Boundaries

• Physical: Your personal space, touch, rest

• Emotional: What you share, absorb, or protect

• Mental: Your thoughts, opinions, beliefs

• Time: What you give your minutes and hours to

• Energetic: Who you allow access to your energy and presence

• Digital: How and when you engage online or by phone

How to Start Building Boundaries

1. Identify Where You Feel Drained

Notice situations, people, or conversations that leave you feeling resentful, anxious, depleted, or invaded. These are often areas that need stronger boundaries.

2. Name Your Limits

Ask yourself: What is okay for me? What is not okay for me? You can’t enforce a boundary you haven’t named.

3. Start Small

You don’t have to start by confronting the most abusive person in your life. Begin with a low-risk situation—like saying no to an event you don’t want to attend, or turning off your phone at night.

4. Communicate Clearly

Use simple, direct language: "I’m not available for that." "That doesn’t work for me." "I need time to myself today."

5. Expect Pushback

People who benefited from your lack of boundaries won’t celebrate when you set them. That doesn’t mean you’re wrong. It means your boundaries are working.

6. Hold the Line

A boundary is not a boundary unless it’s enforced. This may mean repeating it, walking away, or following through on a consequence.

7. Reinforce With Self-Validation

You are not being mean. You are not overreacting. You are honoring yourself. Remind your inner child: We don’t abandon ourselves anymore.

Learning how to relate is like learning a new language when you've only ever known silence or survival. It's hard. It's awkward. It's brave. And it starts with noticing your own humanity, then making space for someone else's. You don’t need to perform. You don’t need to be perfect. You just need to show up, pay attention, and be willing to try again.

Relating is not about being liked. It’s about being known. And that is one of the most healing experiences you can have.

References

1. Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992). Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. Zondervan.

2. van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Penguin Books.

3. Neff, K. (2011). Self-compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. William Morrow.

4. Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Hazelden Publishing.

5. Levine, P. A. (1997). Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma. North Atlantic Books.

6. Fisher, J. (2017). Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors: Overcoming Internal Self-Alienation. Routledge.

7. Rothschild, B. (2000). The Body Remembers: The Psychophysiology of Trauma and Trauma Treatment. W. W. Norton & Company.

8. Mate, G. (2022). The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness & Healing in a Toxic Culture. Avery.

9. Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and Recovery. Basic Books.

10. Siegel, D. J. (2012). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are. Guilford Press.