Assertive Communication: Finding Your Voice Without Losing Your Soul

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Introduction

If you were raised in a home where speaking up led to being ignored, punished, or shamed, then using your voice as an adult can feel risky or even dangerous. Many trauma survivors default to silence, submission, or explosive outbursts because they never learned a third option: assertive communication.

Assertiveness isn’t about domination or aggression. It’s about speaking clearly and calmly from your truth while honoring the truth of others. It’s the middle path between collapsing to keep the peace and bulldozing to get your way. And for those healing from childhood trauma, learning this skill is a powerful act of self-respect.

What Is Assertive Communication?

Assertive communication is the ability to:

• Express your needs, feelings, and boundaries directly

• Speak with respect for yourself and others

• Stand up for yourself without aggression or avoidance

• Say yes and no from a place of clarity and self-worth

Assertiveness is not about being loud or forceful. It’s about being anchored in your truth.

Why It Matters

Without assertiveness:

• You may feel resentful but say nothing.

• You may over-explain or apologize for existing.

• You may erupt after bottling everything up.

• You may lose trust in yourself.

With assertiveness:

• You honor your needs.

• You build healthier relationships.

• You gain confidence.

• You protect your energy.

The Four Communication Styles

1. Passive: You ignore your own needs to keep the peace.

2. Aggressive: You bulldoze others to meet your needs.

3. Passive-Aggressive: You express anger indirectly or sarcastically.

4. Assertive: You respect yourself and others equally.

Assertiveness is the only style that supports mutual respect and long-term emotional health.

How to Practice Assertive Communication

1. Use "I" Statements

Focus on your experience, not blame.

"I feel overwhelmed when I’m interrupted during meetings. I need time to finish my thoughts."

2. Hold Eye Contact and Use Calm Tone

Assertiveness lives in your body. Breathe deeply. Relax your jaw. Use a grounded voice.

3. Be Direct and Specific

"I’m not able to help this weekend.""Please don’t comment on my appearance."

4. Set Boundaries and Follow Through

"If this continues, I’ll need to leave the conversation."

5. Tolerate Discomfort

You might feel guilt, anxiety, or fear when you first speak up. That’s your nervous system adjusting to new behavior—not a sign you did something wrong.

Assertiveness and the Nervous System

Many survivors freeze when faced with confrontation. Assertive communication starts with calming the body:

• Deep breathing

• Feeling your feet

• Holding a grounding object

These somatic anchors help you access your voice even when your system is triggered.

Practice Scripts

• "No, thank you."

• "I need more time to think about that."

• "That doesn't work for me."

• "Please speak to me with respect."

• "I'm not comfortable with that."

Closing Thoughts

Learning how to relate is like learning a new language when you've only ever known silence or survival. It's hard. It's awkward. It's brave. And it starts with noticing your own humanity, then making space for someone else's. You don’t need to perform. You don’t need to be perfect. You just need to show up, pay attention, and be willing to try again.

Relating is not about being liked. It’s about being known. And that is one of the most healing experiences you can have.

References

1. Alberti, R. E., & Emmons, M. L. (2017). Your Perfect Right: Assertiveness and Equality in Your Life and Relationships. Impact Publishers.

2. Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Manual. Guilford Press.

3. Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. William Morrow.

4. Brown, B. (2018). Dare to Lead: Brave Work. Tough Conversations. Whole Hearts. Random House.

5. van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score. Penguin Books.

6. Levine, P. A. (2010). In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness. North Atlantic Books.

7. Ogden, P., Minton, K., & Pain, C. (2006). Trauma and the Body: A Sensorimotor Approach to Psychotherapy. W. W. Norton & Company.

8. Mate, G. (2022). The Myth of Normal. Avery.

9. Rosenberg, M. B. (2015). Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. PuddleDancer Press.

10. Siegel, D. J. (2012). The Developing Mind. Guilford Press.